The end...new beginnings. Is it ever possible to move on completely?

It has been over four years and I still haven't gotten over the hurt and the pain and the hatred that because of loss, my kids had to grow up too fast; that they had to experience the separation of their family; they had to relocate with me several times in an attempt to find a place where we could start anew and I could be the successful head of the household; they had to get themselves up on the morning, get to school on their own and had to find their way home alone.

There were times when I had to depend on help from family and friends, but I find it hard (imposing) to ask for help. I was the one that choose to have kids, not them. And I didn't have the kids on my own, but yet I was left to deal with all the struggles and anxiety on my own, left to ask for help by family to watch the kids in times of need. To watch them not only so I could be at work making money for us to live off of, but so I could get away from the new stress of not only being a single mother, but the breadwinner in our new family format.

The only way to solve this and make their father take responsibility for the struggles (that he should have been sharing with me) was to send them to live with him. I should be happy because I have been left stress and worry free, to make a life for myself but how can I be happy when another woman is raising them? Their father was supposed to be doing the work this time, just like I did all the work while he was busy having his affair and living only for his wants, but it seems it is "her" in charge. How can I be happy with them so far away and I will be lucky to see them twice a year? They will grow up and I won't get to see it. It will happen while they are away.

I should be happy. I am going to school, not only for a better career and in hopes of higher salary but, to make the best with my time in this life. I don't spend too much money on fun things for myself because there is too much guilt involved: 'That could be money I can use to visit the kids or buy the kids something they want or need'. I wonder what their father was thinking when he bought himself a motorcycle with his portion from the profits of the sale of our house. Was he thinking, 'Wow the kids and I can ride the bike together!' I highly doubt it. I unfortunately didn't believe in that type of luxury and spent the proceeds from my portion of the sale mostly on the kids and living expenses.

Because of loss, I found someone that is considerate and compassionate, loyal and honest, who compliments my place in this life. But even with knowing this person, I would still have given up experiencing this for the chance for my children to be shielded from the realities of pain in life so early on. The fact that the one I have chosen to share my life with wishes this for me and my kids (even at the risk of us not having been), makes me love him more.

How have I gotten here, to this place? The things I would have given up for my children, while their father was selfish (in my mind) and thought only of his wants and not their needs. Maybe it is and was me being selfish, thinking that the kids needed their parents to be a family in order to be happy. I won't know what truly would have made them happy in their childhood until they are all grown up and it is too late.