Death

I wanted to post this, but separate from my earlier post today...

My ex felt the need to send me a text message that said the following:

"don't know if u wanted to know but Dean die[d] in A car accident last month"

First of all it was a month ago. Since neither this guy or I have kept in contact with each other directly since 1995, I don't see how I would need to or want to know about his death. And I am guessing that if I DID want to know, a month later is a little too late.

Another thing...we should worry about people while they are still alive, when it really matters. When they have died, they have moved on and so should we. When someone has died, it really is too late to say or showed we cared.

Writing in hopes of extinguishing my sadness

Since decisions have been made and the situation hasn't changed, I might as well move forward with my life without the kids here. I miss them so painfully much.

My Christmas gift from the kids was an album that they decorated a page each with items that represent either themselves or how they feel about me. The album also included a page to represent the time of year. Of course I couldn't supress the tears. This is the second Christmas the kids has spend away from me and the first Christmas since they went to live with their father and his fiance. This was a hard holiday. I didn't even want to really celebrate. I kept changing my mind (in my head) about spending time with my family or going to dinner for Christmas Eve. Personally I would have been happy just going to sleep and letting Christmas Day just pass.

After Christmas Day, I decided I needed to start planning another trip to see the kids. I have booked the hotel for March 13th through March 21st and reserved a car as well. I would like them to visit for the summer, but I have no place to bring them while I am at work (the summer camp that isn't over $2,000 for each kid isn't one that the kids ever want to go back to) and don't have that much vacation. I guess I will just play that by ear. I would like to bring them here by train next holiday season and have them spend their entire Winter Recess here.

New Year's Eve was just like any other night, except that I woke Jesse up to watch the ball drop on television and count down to another year). I just wasn't up to going anywhere and since Jesse preferred to stay home as well, that is what we did.

I told Jesse that I wish I had had these kids with him. I am reminded yet again how much I hate the father of my kids, but I will not waste my time writing the details because it is nothing new and not worth anymore of my time. I only write this much to vent of my hatred.

Winter recess is over and classes have resumed. I will be glad when both classes (Mathematics and Mass Communications) are over on January 13th. There are only two units (weeks) of work left for these classes. The math class has reinforced memories of high school Pre-Algebra math and I realize that most of the items in this class I use on a daily basis...then there is the graphing linear equations that I don't believe I will EVER use. I have to say that I am very please with my Mathematics instructor and very displeased with my Mass Communications instructor.

The kids just called to talk to me. I had to choke back my tears so I could try to enjoy hearing their voices over the phone. They were in the car driving back from an overnight in Columbia and the celphone battery was dying. Turns out that ZZ was sleeping and I never did get to say an official goodnight before Abby's phone cut off. Tomorrow is her birthday. I can't wait until she opens her card.

Tomorrow is my first at work for the new year and the first regular week since two Tuesday's ago. Lots of work to do for school and I am hoping busy at work as well. Anything to keep my mind off my sadness. Off to watch some Math tutorial videos and then Desperate Housewives at 9pm.